I want a baby. In fact, both my husband and I are emotionally at the stage where we really want to get pregnant. For me, in the last few years I have looked at my friends and sisters' children and thought "someday", but the last few months I have looked and craved. HOWEVER, the timing is not good at all for us. There are so many unknowns still ahead for us here in Memphis, financially and otherwise. We know that it isn't smart to do an indefinite push off, because if you wait for perfection it will never arrive... so we have decided to wait just a few more months to start trying. I know in my head that that is the smart and responsible thing to do... but I so want a baby.
I think maybe the whole desire has been heightened in me since the finding of the lump in my breast back in April. The doctors first thought it wasn't really anything serious and would fade with my cycle. When that didn't happen, they decided it must be a plugged milk duct and would still subside over time. It has been 4 months now and it has not subsided. In fact, it has gotten bigger. I have an appointment on Monday with my new doctor, and she is going to suggest a course of diagnostics and perhaps even biopsies and who knows, it may still end up being something totally benign. But I can't help but harbor a fear that it isn't. That it is something fairly serious and that I may end up never able to breastfeed, or depending on the therapy required, ever have a biological child.
I know in my head that this is WAY paranoid of me, but at the same time I can't seem to push the concerns aside. I read every day in the course of my job about the horrors of cancer and other diseases, see the statistics on breast health issues, and even the dry presentation of mortality stats. My job also tells me that we caught this early, and if it IS something serious, the adverse events and/or mortality issues really won't apply to me. Yet still I find myself with this little voice in the back of my head muttering away about all that I have to lose...both in things I've yet to experience, and in those that I've always held dear.
I dont believe in dwelling on fears or desires when one can do nothing, so I will go quietly to my appointment next week, tamp down the increasing tick of my biological clock, and continue to hush that little nagging voice. But I will also ask for the prayers of all of you that I will return to this subject one day soon and be able to laugh off the fears this episode has caused ...and then give you all the best news in the world.